Surviving L.A. – Takes a compound

And you, too, can have one. Tom Hanks is selling one of his in the Pacific Palisades just now for $5.522 million. Fortunately for him his property values were not affected by having Hitler as a neighbor.

(Wait, did she just invoke Hitler???)

What could have been…..a mere 5 miles from our current home. Today it’s just an interesting hike hidden in an otherwise unremarkable canyon. But in the 1930’s, it was a start of a compound for Nazi sympathizers and a possible American get-away for their leader. As the story goes, one Herr Schmidt (whose actual identity cannot be confirmed) convinced wealthy National Socialist Party pals Winona and Norman Stephens that when Hitler won the war the American government would fall into disarray and their like-minded compatriots would need a self-sustaining compound to hole up in until the Third Reich could rise in the US. Then it could be a vacation strong-hold-away-from-home for the mustached-man himself. The plans started with building a large power generation building, a machine shed and garage, and a water tower. These buildings still sit at the bottom of the chasm. On the steep slopes are the foundations for raised beds in which the organization was going to raise food. Keeping the world out is a still-standing gate, now easily circumvented through multiple holes in the property fence.

The intelligence and craftsmanship of this grand plan is epitomized by one of the entry ways to the compound, a series of 500+ concrete stairs created by someone possessing no real knowledge of how to build stairs. They are as crooked and imbalanced as the minds that hatched the scheme. By the time you reach the lower steps they are slanted decidedly upwards (perhaps a ‘Hail, Hitler” salute?). Makes for a rather precarious journey down and a hunt for an alternate (read: safer) way out.

Once you safely reach the bottom a road leads you around to the structure that once housed the power system, and for the modern hiker, most ominous ideas disappear at the site of the psychedelic graffiti covering what was probably once a grey and depressing structure. But in 1941, after Pearl Harbor was bombed, the compound was raided, and the owners abandoned their dream (and our nightmare). In the 1960s and 70s the location, named Murphy Ranch, became an artist colony until the new (more peaceful) residents were chased out by a devastating wild fire. The basic structure of the power building remains, though the machine garage did not fare as well. The largely metal structure has crumpled into a crippled pile of twisted trash (another fitting homage to the minds of the Stephens).

Check out the route and pictures here: http://www.hikespeak.com/trails/rustic-canyon-murphy-ranch-nazi-ruins/

In the sunshine of a Southern California day it’s a good place to go feel like a strong American – we will take their ugliness and make it something pretty and peaceful and helpful in encouraging people to get out and explore L.A.

So we continue to Survive L.A. – 20 well-built stairs (to our own bedroom hideaway) at a time.

Surviving L.A. - Takes an Award Show

Regular readers of this blog will recall that my wedding anniversary falls during award show season every year and we tend to take advantage of the night when everyone in tinsel town at an awards party to get a nice dinner reservation at an exclusive restaurant. This year He-Who-Was-Dumb-Enough-to-Marry-Me found an even more exclusive experience – invitations to a suite at the Grammy Awards and tickets to People Magazine’s after party. Since there were no hockey games on TV, I had nothing better to do, so I said yes.

There are two disclaimers on this entry. 1 – I don’t watch award shows, so if some of this is common sense to others, it was a surprise to me. 2 – I don’t often recognize celebrities off the screen. (I had to ask who the opening act was. Oops.) But this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so we took advantage.

This wasn’t ‘behind the scenes’ but it was “off the screen” – as in, we got to see what the viewers at home miss. I found the whole experience fascinating. The event is held at the Staples Center – the same place that just a few weeks ago thousands of screaming fans in jerseys and t-shirts raised a plastic cup of beer to cheer the L.A. Kings getting their Stanley Cup Champion rings. Last night was a slightly different ceremony.

For starters, the red carpet has nothing on the fashion of the rest of the crowd. Perhaps that was because none of us got ‘the memo’ that Jennifer Lopez referred to in her award presentation. According to the L.A. Times CBS had sent a dress code to those who were going to be on TV. “The network effectively banned "thong-type costumes" and dresses exposing "female breast nipples" in a bid to preempt the kind of high-profile wardrobe malfunction that derailed Janet Jackson's 2006 Super Bowl performance.”

The rest of the crowd ignored these rules. Several wardrobe malfunctions were nearly cause by a combination of a fashion trend in dresses with trains and partygoers focused on composing the perfect tweet rather than looking at where they were going. I am also wondering if there is an acute shortage of sheer material – it seems to have been sucked up in L.A. and pasted on women trying very hard to look almost naked while technically being clothed. Birds who have flown south to Mexico for the winter may also want to consider staying there. The amount of the delicate feathers parading around on women’s hips last night means there are a lot of naked birds running around.

But no one knows how to dress up like Los Angelinos. They can pick the perfect outfit for standing in line at the McDonald’s concession stand for the fries they need to tide them over until the after party. The live nature of the production makes for awkward ‘evening out’ timing in a city that doesn’t like to get started before 10 p.m. But by 4:30 if you were going to watch the show, you needed to be in your seat and ready to not leave. Empty seats at an awards show would be just scandalous! So if you left during a commercial break and didn’t make it back by the time the audience was commanded to applause for the next cut in, you were held out and a seat filler was keeping your place warm.

Speaking of commercial breaks – I had no idea there would be so many! But being there in person I can see why. In the age of spectacle’s the stage had to handle highly creative sets put together and taken down in a matter of minutes. It was one of the more impressive aspects of the evening, including how quickly they got the stage dry after making it rain on Fun. (For the uninitiated, that is the name of a band who won several times last night.) Their live performance tried to make it look like they were not in Southern California, so it rained on them. During the commercial break they needed to get rid of the 'rain' not expelled during the act. It was like someone emptying the garden hose onto the stage before putting it away.

In the arena screens showed event goers what the TV broadcast looked like, but spared those in black tie the impetuousness of having to watch Gangum Style Wonderful Pistachio commercials. (View it here if you missed the Super Bowl Ad: http://getcrackin.com/) We were treated to past Grammy performances, which is good considering what the tickets cost - commercials would have been insulting. There was one group in the arena, however, that may have been getting a really bad deal. A production tower was erected about Center Ice, yet there were floor seats behind it. Those people were literally watching the show on a TV the size of the one in my living room. We didn’t pay much attention to them, but speculated later that this was the group of seat fillers who shuffled in and out as needed. I certainly hope that was the case, because I would have been pissed to show up for a view as good as my living room but without my DVR, my ability to use the restroom whenever I felt like it, and a comfortable chair. The entire floor area was covered with folding chairs. Sure, they were padded, but there is a reason that no one uses folding chairs as their living room furniture. Four hours on one had to be pushing the ends of butt comfort ability.

Though, at least they were seated. Captured in two sections of the stage were groundlings – fans standing for hours to provide the hand waving audience for live performances. Admittedly, they got a great view of L.L. Cool J’s butt, if that kind of thing thrills you. But they also served as the dustbin for the stage sweeper.

There were also some moments before the show and during commercial breaks that TV viewers were spared, such as the stage hand who grabbed the mic to make a joke about everyone needing to learn the chorus to the song “Hey, Ho” so we could sing along (it’s Hey, Ho, for those who might not know - commit it to memory). No response came from the combination of people racing to the bathrooms for speed peeing and those trying to figure out exactly where Prince got his hoodie tuxedo. The stand-up career suffered an early but humane demise.

The after party was next door at the convention center. I have been asked if I rubbed elbows with any celebrities. I have no idea. One probably would have had to introduce themself to me. And I was too busy feeling badly for the entertainment. The room had an Indian theme to it, complete with girls in saris dancing with snakes, swords and parasols. Yes parasols. Someone will have to explain that one to me. It might have all been beautiful and entertaining in its own right, except that they were dancing to a DJ spinning pop music and the live acts for the night. I would be very interested to know what the producer envisioned when he had a lovely young Indian woman holding a sword trying to execute traditional dance moves to Estelle’s hit American Boy. I don’t think it translated for the rest of us.

But in plain language – the night was fabulous. The music was excellent, watching the production come to life fascinating, the people watching interesting – and occasionally disturbing. Clearly there are some shops in Los Angeles I have never seen…..I do not know where these people get their outfits.

But these fun nights out help us acquire the skills to Survive L.A., like making it to the stadium bathroom and back in a 90-second break. Ready, go! (And I cannot wait to see what he comes up with for our next anniversary!)

Surviving L.A. - Takes a really strong umbrella

The myth of Southern California (or the lie we choose to perpetrate, you decide) is that it never rains here. Always sunny and 72-degrees. Admittedly, it is mainly desert area, our annual rainfall is rather minimal. However, when it it is raining, we take "cats and dogs" to a whole new level.

Yesterday, it rained a shark.

http://www.latimes.com/sports/sportsnow/la-sp-sn-shark-golf-course-20121025,0,7711527.story?track=rss

Okay, maybe 'rained' is a stretch, as it was just one startled shark in a very isolated 'storm'. But while golfers in Southern California are rarely worried about being struck by lighting, several were shocked yesterday to watch a tiger shark land on the course. Though they were impressed that he avoided the water hazard.

I'll let you play with that picture in your head for a moment.....a surfer was just killed by a great white shark off the coast, so we have some serious predators in the water....before I put it in some perspective. Speculation is that a bird picked it up and was trying to get it to a nest before deciding it was really in the mood for fried chicken instead of two feet of fresh sushi.

One golfer sprang into action and grabbed the poor shark, driving it (in a car after determining his driver was too small) quickly back to the Pacific 5 miles away. The shark is now telling fish tales about how he made a hole in one on the golf course yesterday.

So, we continue to survive L.A., though the hazards on the golf course really bite.

Surviving L.A. - Takes a Tour

While entertaining visitors a few years ago, we took a tour of Iconic Hollywood Filming Locations and were praised by the guide for being locals. Too many people, he said, never play tourist in their hometowns. If you haven't noticed from this blog, we do not suffer from this problem. (And, by the way, we're damn fun hosts. Come on out!)

In 5 years, we have taken 3 bus tours in L.A. We have found that while some tours go past the same location, not everyone provides the same information. Some will let you know that the Dan Tana's restaurant was a favorite hangout of the Rat Pack while ignoring their neighbor, the Troubadour - the legendary concert venue where Guns-N-Roses were discovered. And not all of the tours include the strip club where Demi Moore did her research for Strip Tease. Or, for that matter, the litany of strip clubs immortalized in the Motley Crue song Girls, Girls, Girls. So we need to exhaust the tours to become true experts on L.A. But for now, we have a few tidbits to share.

We took the first tour within a month of our move, climbing aboard the red double-decker buses of Starline to be whisked around the city while straining to hear the less-then-clear audio system commenting on both sites and history in L.A. (www.starlinetours.com) I regularly use their shared facts to wow visitors with my knowledge of the area, including the detail that the residential streets in Beverly Hills have 'designated trees,' such that if you look down any street it is lined with the same foliage for each street. They are very pretty, just don't ask me what any of the varietals are. The tour didn't say. They did say how you can tell when you have crossed from Los Angeles into Beverly Hills....there are suddenly no overhead utility lines. Cross back into L.A. and there they are again.

Our second tour garnered the previously mentioned compliment. We spent 4 hours in chauffeured comfort watching movie and TV clips while driving past the corresponding filming locations. (http://www.dearlydepartedtours.com/hollywood-movie-tours.html) The same company has a few more  morbid tours, such as the Manson Murder tour, hence the name. The filming location tour, however, is much more lively. Among some of the highlights were houses from Happy Days, Grease, Six Feet Under and Halloween. One high school has hosted scenes from Nightmare on Elm Street, Pretty in Pink and Gross Pointe Blank in the front, and the final scene from Grease on the back fields. One of my more favorite sites was a park bench used by Michael J. Fox's character in Back to the Future as the launching point for his DeLorean's path out of the 1950's. I can take you there, it's in Griffith Park. Sadly, that is probably the last thing I can show you - I was so mesmerized by the videos in the comfortable van to pay attention to where we were going. If you come visit, we'll just have to take the tour again!

But I can take you back to the house built in Beverly Hills for The Witches of Eastwick. It's actually fantastically close, and I am glad it was pointed out on our recent Rockin' Hollywood Tours ride. (www.rockinhollywoodtours.com) This was actually my least favorite tour, mostly because it focused mainly on celebrity homes. I do not care to see the homes of celebrities any more than most of them want anyone peering at their private personal space. As a result, most of the homes are not terribly visible anyway. So if you take a tour of the homes, be prepared to see a gate, large, thick foliage and maybe the corner of the garage. In one neighborhood the tour guide pointed out a particular roof with two white chimneys and said it was home of the Beckham's. So....I've seen their roof tiles. Fascinating. We were shown a road that was once the private drive to where Tom Cruise used to live with his second wife. Chilling. They also show the gate on the house where Michael Jackson died. Disturbing.

They did have a few interesting tidbits, however. The tour highlights a building once home to a rising movie star named Ronald Reagan. The tour guide mentioned that the group who convinced him to run for Governor of California had initially approached James Garner, who turned them down. Garner was a Democrat and became vice-president of the actor's union while Ronnie went from Sacramento to DC. Rob us of the Rockford Files? Perish the thought!

I will leave you pondering what life under the President Maverick could have been like, and remind you that we are continuing to Survive L.A. Come on out and find out for yourself....we'll show you where Richard Gere climbed to 'rescue' Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, and where Brad Pitt got his start in acting.....as the El Pollo Loco Chicken mascot. It's true, they said it on the tour.

Surviving L.A. - Takes Fried Chicken

It's true, just ask the Obama team that had to conduct an impromptu sweep of the world famous Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles on one of the President's trips to L.A. After being assured no crazed bus boy had a plot for anything better than a bad B movie, Barack sampled the place that made the L.A. food scene before Asian Fusion Vegan Haute Cuisine ever became a thing.

We tried our first chicken and waffles recently. Not at Roscoe's (they have had huge lines even before Obama's endorsement), but at Wood and Vine. We can see the appeal. But if you prefer your chicken sans syrup, then you find the next big thing at the Los Angeles Fried Chicken Fest.

The first annual event, a fundraiser for anti-hunger organization Share our Strength, featured the latest take on a summer picnic staple. But this is L.A. people. We eschew the colonel. Popeye is soooo 1988. We use volcanic ash in our fried chicken, for pete's sake.

The featured chefs were:

Josef Centeno of Baco Mercat and Bar Ama

David LeFevre of M.B. Post

Mary Sue Milliken of Border Grill

Matt Molina of Mozza

Bryant Ng of the Spice Table

Jazz Singsanong of Jitlada

Marcel Vigneron and Haru Kishi of the Coop

Ricardo Zarate of Picca and Mo-Chica

The event was held in the empty space for a formerly large Japanese restaurant, which seemed like a strange place to nickname "The Coop" for the evening. The checkered tableclothes were rather our of place near the massive koi pond. Stations were set up throughout the property for sampling.

I think Matt Molina's take on the fried chicken with fried biscuit accompaniment (why not just throw the whole meal in the fryer?) was the group favorite of the night, though the fried curried chicken was a close second. There was a Peruvian dish, some Carribean nuggets and a Thai-inspired take on a Southern U.S. staple.

But by far the most unique 'how far will L.A. chefs go for the next big thing' was the Hot Lava Chicken. I happened to be there just as a new batch was being served....though it appeared to me to have been cooked too long. If you happened upon this dish anywhere else, you would think someone had formed charcoal to loosely resemble a chicken leg. The carefully placed sauce for presentation may have been the only clue that one should pick it up, look beyond the seemingly exceedingly charred exterior, and find tender chicken. The server offered the explanation that they used volcanic ash in the cooking to give it that look. Given that stories surrounding any volcanic eruption include reports on threats to food supplies, I do not believe her. But some secret spice concoction was used that gave the credibility to the idea that perhaps, at least, the chicken had perhaps lived a little to close to Eyjafjöll.

Check it....opening of a new chicken fast food joint near you....Mt. St. Marenzo (patron saint of cooking). Until then, we will have to survive L.A. with Roscoe's....maybe the President will join us again.

Surviving L.A. - is an Exercise

An exercise in insanity, maybe. Because every other billboard, TV ad, Groupon and airplane-dragged banner is hawking something designed to remind you that to make it with the beautiful people in L.A. - you have to be willing to put in the effort. You can buy the laser sculpting or you can sculpt the muscles the old fashioned way.......sweating to the oldies. (Which you can do on occasion with the legend himself, Richard Simmons, on a random Tuesday or Thursday at class at his Beverly Hills Studio. http://www.richardsimmons.com/j15/index.php?option=com_jcalpro&Itemid=137&extmode=flat)

But this is L.A. - home of muscle beach, inspiration for roller blading and the birth place of the thigh master. We try what's new. What's cutting edge. The next big secret to 2% body fat and a red carpet body in just 8 minutes a day.

As you know, I am embracing L.A. But while I like - well, real food - too much to do the latest 'proprietary blend' 20-day raw juice cleanse, I am willing to turn to my inner cardio queen and give some of the new ideas in workouts a try.

I'm not talking pole dancing.....that's so 2008. After all, Santa Monica is the home of the first Cirque De Soleil show in the United States. Future performers - and the delusional among us - can take classes in high-flying arts like the trapeze and slick, colorful silk panels that make you cry for the 'easy' days of your 5th grade gym class rope climb. I loved it! No worries mom, despite the best efforts of the graceful instructor, I lack any skill to run off and join the circus.

Willing to watch me make fun of myself for my birthday, my dear friend Kim bought me a gift card for a dance cardio class and then talked me into the Hip Hop Dance Class. Of course we have hip hop dance classes...what else do you think the Fly Girls are doing until the In Living Color reunion show? It took us one hour to learn a 15-second hip hop routine that proves I am, in fact, too old to consider a second career as a Laker Girl.

It was a really good workout for me, but I am not looking for a weekly reminder that I do not, in fact, got the moves like Jagger. So another friend had an excellent alternative - do all the traditional exercises you have known for years. Let's just find a way to make it harder. Do it on 1970s-space-movie-inspired-prop-boot-gone-crazy shoes - it's called Kangoo. Once you master walking on the single-leg trampolines, you go through your basic cardio moves from jogging to jumping jacks to Jane Fonda-inspired aerobics. http://bouncevenice.wordpress.com/

Perhaps the genius of Kangoo is that it serves a dual purpose. Your quest for firm glutes take you onto the exercise trail running from Malibu to Manhattan Beach. So your very location helps you do double duty as extras in the entertainment capital of the world, providing a great deal of gawks and head-shaking laughs for the tourists. I try not to think about how many bad vacation photo albums I now appear in.

But if you really want to do challenge yourself, you have to turn up the heat. It may stay a cool 72-degrees year round in southern California year round (which is a lie, but that is for another column) but you can have the hottest workout around at Fire Groove, where in 12 1-hour lessons you too can swing flaming balls around your head for the entertainment of others. (I'll start booking for weddings and birthday parties in August.) It turns out there are multiple ways you can 'dance' with fire. Kim and I (I am starting to see a pattern with her!) tried Poi Fire Dancing, which is supposed to be a graceful swinging of ropes twirling beautiful flaming orbs around your body to music.


Thankfully, instruction was conducted with socks stuffed with weighted balls....slightly less painful to the temples while learning butterfly wings and angel wings and a move that should be renamed "the black eye" for it's ultimate accomplishment. I am going to use the word dance very lightly, as I truly felt like my moves were more defensive...standing as still as possible or moving as quickly as possible to avoid being smacked in the head - again. I will definitely say that Poi dancing got my heart rate up....though I think it was more out of fear than any cardio effort.

Next, Kim and I are going to learn to paddle board in Malibu. Just in time for prime whale migration season. I think it might be safer.

As Missing Persons sang "Nobody walks in L.A." - but we are willing to try just about anything else in the name of fitness. It's how you Survive L.A.

Surviving L.A. - Takes Star Sightings

And sometimes, that's like shooting fish in a barrel. At least when Paley Fest is happening.

William Paley was the creator of CBS Network, and left a historical legacy in this town in the form of a TV museum and an annual event inviting program fans to spend an evening getting some behind the scenes information from their favorite cast members and creative talent behind the show. In a special Monday edition of Date Night, I surprised Richard with an intimate evening with the cast of one of his favorite shows: Two and a Half Men.

The evening opened with an introduction of the show's creator - the same genius behind Two Broke Girls and Big Bang Theory - Chuck Lorre. In his introduction the moderator, L.A. chief for TV guide Magazine (aka, L.A.'s Bible) Mike Schneider, showed a cover that featured Lorre when he was inducted into the TV hall of fame. Lorre blushed like a starlette showing up on the red carpet wearing the same dress as Jennifer Lopez....he was wearing the same outfit as he had on in the picture. Clearly, the man needs more money for clothes.

Lorre introduced a screening of next Monday's episode, which has an ending that....as soon as you see it coming....will make you forget all about what's-his-name Sheen and realize the writer's have too.

After the audience stopped cringing at the final scene and remembered to clap, the moderator introduced the cast - pretty much everyone. Paley Fest tickets come with the disclaimer that they make no guarantees about any individual's participation, but the cast seems genuinely thankful that so many fans stuck with it through what most people in and outside of L.A. saw as the show's untimely death at the hands of an out-of-control leading man. So in addition to Lorre, we were graced with the presence of Jon Cryer, Ashton Kutcher, Angus T. Jones, Holland Taylor, Conchata Ferrell and co-creator Lee Aronson.

For more than an hour the panel discussed the show with questions from the modertor and the audience on everything from character growth to returning guest stars to Jake finally graduating high school to Ashton's prosthetic penis.

We got a small sneak peek or two to some upcoming features, but no big spoliers as the show has not technically been picked up for next season. Paley Fest is a highly entertaining, behind-the-scenes look into the people who entertain us. If you are ever in L.A. in the spring, I highly recommend it.

Now, I will not close without quoting Aston when he pleaded last night "please give some context to the penis." If you watch the show you know that the Walden character is known for being well-endowed and fond of, or at least not shy about, going au naturale. However, the show is taped in front of a live audience and one is not allowed to do full nudity in that setting. Ashton mentioned - to the apparent shock of his co-stars - that he had just the thing to take care of this problem, a prosthetic. Why exactly someone can wear a prosthic fallic device but not prance in the nude is beyond me, but this appears to be the case. So, for the pleasure of the live audience, Ashton donned the device and gave new meaning to Two and a Half Men.

I will leave you, dear readers, with questions to ponder. What college degree qualifies one to create or fix a prosthetic penis (it apparently needed to undergo some delicate repairs), and are you ready to make a move to this career field? Never mind asking the question as to why Ashton had one conveniently in his car to begin with.

We continue to survive L.A. - highly entertained.